me alone in my room

i hide it most of the time,
or at least i like to think that i do.
but when she is away,
i feel it the most.
i think this is what my future holds....

me alone in my room

i worry every day about losing her
so, i try to make do of the time we have.
but it is so hard to think happy
and be strong,
while wondering what my future holds...

me alone in my room

Tonight I Ripped My Pants

Because they were too tight
Because I have gained 20 pounds in the past 4 months
Because I cannot stop eating
Because I am trying to deal
Because I am depressed
Because my mom has lung cancer.

2007 Year in Review: Songs

I have a lot of friends, who live and die for music. Me, not so much! However, I do really enjoy it and would feel lost without because it helps move life along.... There are some songs which help move life more than others. My top songs of 2007 are not necessarily songs released this year, but those that I have enjoyed the most....

5. Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Why I love it? Because sometimes it really is me and not you..

4. Paper Planes by M.I.A.

Why I love it? Because the beat is hot! Because she is speaking the truth about life, even if MTV wants to edit her....

3. Letter by Letter by AYO.

Why I love it? Because sometimes you just want your loved one to share...something, even if it is just a little...

2. Pretty Wings by Maxwell

Why I love it? Because even though he has only released a snippet of his upcoming song, I am yearning for more. Because she was beautiful, yet dangerous and you had to leave...

My Number 1 Song of 2007 is....

S.O.S. by Doria Roberts

Why I love it? Because it has helped me get through the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with... Because...

we're running with this weight on our backs
And we're watching each step on treacherous and narrow paths
But every time there is a fork in the road
We are just getting use to our heavy loads
And we're so tired from the choosing that we haven't got the strength for trying
And I'm so tired of living just because I am afraid of dying
But I won't give up fighting for this pilgrimage I call surviving

Am I Not Good Enough?

Am I not good enough for you to answer my messages?
Am I not good enough for you to return my calls?
Am I not good enough for you to care about?
Am I not good enough for you to want to get better?
Am I not good enough for you?

Just Make It Stop...

Everything seems unbearable.
I am completely overwhelmed.
I do not want to/cannot deal.
Please make it all stop, I beg of you.

Tomorrow will be better, yes?

Last Night

Last night, I was tired and restless so, I decided to stay in. I was invited out by a couple of people, but needed some time for me, some time to think.

As I always am with my restless mind and a little bit of time to myself, I start to rapidly sort out issues and answer my questions. Here's what I resolved last night....

1. M just wants to fuck me!
2. J really wants me to herself. She wants me to be happy, but I think she adores having me to herself.
3. I keep running from one problem to the other, but am really just running in circles.
4. If I close my eyes tight enough, I feel tears running down my wrists.

The Only Thing I'm Sure of is Stress & Pain

I am really not sure what I want this to be. Scratch that.... I do know what I want this to be, I am just not sure if that is in the plans for me, and if so, the required time period for all of this to be realized.

On top of that, all of this is making me extremely tired and I nap very hard, but wake up an hour or so later, wide awake. I just want to sleep through the night. Now, I am drowsy, restless and in pain. My back aches so much....

The stress made Sunday so great... I got to see my Anitra and I did karaoke, which I have never done, but ALWAYS wanted to do.... Other things also made it nice...

My Monday brought me back to reality.... I really feel like I cannot deal with it all. 4 is such a high number.....

coping mechanism

i simply want all of this to go away. i cannot deal. i do not want to deal. i am going on hiatus.....