thoughts of two

she thinks i'm pretty
i think she's intriguing
i'm possibly maybe interested in knowing more....

she thinks i'm hot
i think she's full of it
i'm possibly maybe not so sure what i want out of this...

she thinks i'm amazing
i think she's wonderful
i'm possibly maybe definitely wanting all of her...

she thinks i'm invisible
i think she's soul stirring
i'm possibly maybe going to try a bit more....or not....

leo signals

you walk into the store. you do not see me. i do not see you. you call me and ask where. i say in the front of the store, on the left. you ask, near the cookbooks. yes, i reply. you walk towards me. you look beautiful…you’re wearing yellow. for the first time in my life, i am thinking the color is beautiful… we hug hello, but no kisses because we are not dating. you tell me i smell good. we stroll the aisles, playfully rubbing against one another. you play in my hair. i tell you to stop because you know that drives me crazy. you do not listen. i try to kiss you, you request i stay in “my dance space.” i am mad, and a little tickled, that you are using my words against me. i whisper in your ear that i want you…. you smile…. you ask me what i have eaten that day. i say hardly anything. you want to go for pizza and salad.

i drive to dinner confused.

we select our seats. you try to read me. we eat. you try to read me. i am feeling a little exposed. you might be getting inside of me. i try to block it. you continue to read me. you play with my hands. you ask me how i like to orgasm. i ask you what’s the difference between dating and hanging out between two people who are attracted to one another. you say you have to think about that one. you continue to read me. i am trying to block it. i tell you that i think you are scared of me. you laugh… you then say come on, let’s go to your place. you then tell me we’re buddies so, no trying anything. i remind you that i am celibate until i come back from europe. you tell me you are celibate until you come back from europe.

i drive to your place confused.

i stretch out on your floor, stomach down. my naked back is exposed. just your promise separates me from my commitment to celibacy. you position yourself on top of me, straddling my hips. you get comfortable on my ample cushion. i am beginning to feel aroused…. you perform your services. i moan with pleasure. you warn me about the erotic sounds. i explain that i cannot help it. i do not let you know that i cannot because i am envisioning the intimacy we could share. i am now extremely aroused. i do not want this to end…but it has to eventually. when it does, you get up and move to the other side of the room. i nap for a bit, surrounded by the glow of the experience. i then dress and walk to the door. you walk me out, hug me goodbye and ask me to call you when i get home.

i drive home confused.

halfway home, you call me. we talk having the conversation which has become quite familiar over the past week. you tell me you wanted to look at me, touch me, feel me. i ask you why you didn’t. i admit that i am celibate, but i have not set any boundaries, depends on the person. you tell me boundaries are foreplay. i let you know this sucks but appreciate your honesty and that i do not trust you, as a person. i do not know but i just do not feel that i can. you say you understand. i tell you i don’t like your mixed signals. you apologize. you tell me i give them too. i do not know what you mean and ask you to explain. you cannot give any examples, but say i know what i do. you let me know that you cannot wait to do my astrology reading so you can learn the basics of my personality and just learn about me. you then tell me good night.

i go to bed confused.

Being Selfish: Love Just for Me

I want a love of my own, just for me. I do not want to share or be considered second, third OR even fourth place. I want the eyes that watch me as I sleep, the mouth that gently loves me and the hand that interlaces with mine to all belong to the heart that only beats my name…

Every woman, I have loved, been involved with OR dated, has had someone else who they have deep down OR even out front, adored. There has always been that other lover, whose name they think of in their first and last thoughts of the day. All the while, I am thinking theirs… There has always been a third party in my relationship, an unspoken force, with which, we have had to deal. I am tired of it.

I am incredible woman with an enormous amount of love to give. Yet, I keep attracting those that cannot give me the same. I am 29 years old and have never had anyone be in love with me and this is why. I am not seeking OR even settling for those that are not able to love me completely. It is just revealed later on in our relationship, that there is someone else who she loves, which causes them not to love me….

I want a love of my own, just for me…..

The Only Thing I'm Sure of is Stress & Pain

I am really not sure what I want this to be. Scratch that.... I do know what I want this to be, I am just not sure if that is in the plans for me, and if so, the required time period for all of this to be realized.

On top of that, all of this is making me extremely tired and I nap very hard, but wake up an hour or so later, wide awake. I just want to sleep through the night. Now, I am drowsy, restless and in pain. My back aches so much....

The stress made Sunday so great... I got to see my Anitra and I did karaoke, which I have never done, but ALWAYS wanted to do.... Other things also made it nice...

My Monday brought me back to reality.... I really feel like I cannot deal with it all. 4 is such a high number.....

Love of an Aquarius

Your True Love Is an Aquarius

Why you'll love an Aquarius: Independent yet devoted, you'll appreciate the unique approach to love Aquarius takes. You both see love as a bit of a game, and Aquarius will challenge you until you're completely hooked. Why an Aquarius will love you: You're secure enough to give Aquarius tons of space - even if it means separate interests and friends. You have the brains to keep Aquarius engaged and curious. And the passion to change the world together!

What Sign Is Your True Love?

Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack

That's what my life has been lately... Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack!

YOU:
Ashley Joy, what makes it Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack?

ME:
1. I was supposed to go with a girl to the Doria Roberts' Birthday Show on 08/25. It was not going to be a date, because she has a girlfriend. It was just two friends going to a great show! Well, I want to get a table for the show. Tables seat and are priced equivalent to four (4) individual tickets. I let her know that I want a table and I am going to invite a couple more people. Since, it is not a date, because she has a girlfriend. She tells me, have fun with my friends and that she'll go with someone else. This makes no sense at all. So for me to go with her and to get a table, I will have to waste $30. WACK for the money and WACK for tripping out on me!
Sidenote: Girl, who is tripping, I know you read my blog and yes, I do not care that I am calling you out because what you did was WACK!
2. Girls who I used to date are trying to get at one of my friends.... I am not going to say anymore, than that right now.... BUT THIS COULD TURN INTO THE LATE SUMMER/EARLY AUTUMN SCANDAL!!!! All I am telling my friend is, I told you!!! ;-) Like my favorite lesbian joke says, "what do you call a group of lesbians hanging out? Ex-girlfriends."

What I Do Not Want in Me

It is not that I do not believe in jealousy, but I try not to embody it. And, as hard as I try not to embody it, sometimes I am. I guess it is okay that sometimes I am, because then I become more aware of how or who I do not want to be.

Right now, I am jealous....

Right now, I do not want to be....

Right now, I am going to seperate myself from the situation so, I will no longer feel jealous....

I need to go running...

A Letter to Her...

My dearest JATD,

You are beautiful, but you know this. I, and almost all of your friends, have told you so many times before. Everyone thinks of you as being incredibly sexy… From your phone operator voice, which drives me insane….I always save your voicemail messages, to your overall style, you are amazing! I love the time we spend together…. I just wish I did not think of you the way that I do. Most people love having crushes, but I do not love, nor like, having one on you. We are friends and that is all it can be. You are going through your thing and I need to be concentrating on taking care of my life. Plus, you do not even like me like that. I think, but probably so… It just seems weird when I hear stories of you watching me move and how I always feel nervous when we say goodbye. It was like that at first, then for a while, it was strictly friends… Then, the last couple of times, I do not know. Maybe, you were making me feel weird because of the alcohol you had been drinking. Maybe, you were thinking of someone else and projecting onto me. Yes, that is definitely, what it was. You did not really want me; you wanted her. Well, thank you for making me feel desired during those few minutes of us saying goodbye…. Next time, it shall go back to the way it was before, you and me being friends, confidants. I am going to wake up from the crazy fantasy!

~Ashley Joy~

What Was New Was Old Is Now New

The Friday of Pride, I MySpaced message this girl who I used to date. She had been on my mind for a few weeks, but due to the circumstances of our dissolvement, I was not sure how to approach her. So, I left a short and sweet message, just saying hi and that we needed to talk.

The next day at Pride, I run into her at Piedmont Park. We chat a bit and exchange numbers... It was really good to see her for she is very pretty! Over the next few days, we exchange text messages and e-mails. Then, we invite each other to Screen on the Green. Do not start thinking it was a date because we were both meeting other people there. Then....Screen on the Green was cancelled...due to thunderstorms! So, we went to hang out with a couple of her friends (who I also know, but have not seen since we stopped hanging out together) and dance a bit at a club and do dinner at R. Thomas. It was a very nice evening! Good company, good food, good music!

We continue to text and e-mail and it is all quite enjoyable. She invited me to go see Transformers yesterday with her friends and family. Again, it was nice spending time with her.

Our conversations have picked up from where we left. And, it feels weird and comfortable at the same time. It mainly feels weird that it feels comfortable. We have been estranged for almost three times as long as we her in communication. So,75% of the time we have known of each other, we have not spoken. To now, communicate with her, it is just...different. Another item of consideration is we have yet to talk about why and what exactly went wrong between us. So.... time will tell....