me alone in my room

i hide it most of the time,
or at least i like to think that i do.
but when she is away,
i feel it the most.
i think this is what my future holds....

me alone in my room

i worry every day about losing her
so, i try to make do of the time we have.
but it is so hard to think happy
and be strong,
while wondering what my future holds...

me alone in my room

Am I Not Good Enough?

Am I not good enough for you to answer my messages?
Am I not good enough for you to return my calls?
Am I not good enough for you to care about?
Am I not good enough for you to want to get better?
Am I not good enough for you?

Divine Intervention

Sooooooooooooo, it is all over! The meeting ended yesterday and I finished packing up and shipping out items from my onsite office today. Now, I get to enjoy Phoenix until I leave on Tuesday.

Today was a fun and awakening day...

I woke up and saw Joel Osteen on television. He was talking about how everything that happens to you is not a coincidence but is all apart of God's plan for you. And, when you want something you have to put it out there, believe and it will happen. Interesting...

After Joel, I was flipping channels and came across one of my favorite documentaries...My Date with Drew. It helped jump start me in the right direction, since I was feeling all sensitive and mopey....

Then, I went to Barnes & Noble. I came across this book, I have been eyeing for a while, How to Love Me. So, I figured that since I have seen it twice then it must be fate intervening and time for me to buy it. So, I did.

After B&N, I was hungry so I walked over to PF Chang's. I bought some fried rice. As I was eating the rice, I opened my fortune cookies...they gave me two! :-D Well, the fortunes said,
Cookie 1: Romance is just around the corner.
Cookie 2: Your sensitivity is an asset.

How funny is all of that?!?!?! Everything is interrelated, or at least appearing to be. Like the stars are aligning themselves to bring good things into my life....

Hmmm.....

P.S. Another piece to the puzzle, Joel's appearing on 60 Minutes tonight.... It's just one of those, everywhere I go there you are type of days....

i am glad she is not my lover!

everyone wants a lover. i do. i am sure you do. i am just glad she is not my lover. i am also glad that she is not my lover either. or her. or her. or her. they are all great women in their own right, but i'm really grateful they are not my lovers.

when things ended between all of them, i admit, i cried. i moped around, having a pity party. i really missed them. their companship. their sex. their friendship. their "love".

then something happened. something opened my eyes and i realized they saying no to me was a blessing in disguise.

so to the lovers that are no more, thank you and i am glad that you are not apart of me.

Everything...

Everything seems endless...
The unknowing
The pain
The stress
The tears

Everything seems unbearable...
The nurturing
The uncertainty
The discomfort
The life

Everything seems...
Exactly like what it is...

When will it stop being?

leo signals

you walk into the store. you do not see me. i do not see you. you call me and ask where. i say in the front of the store, on the left. you ask, near the cookbooks. yes, i reply. you walk towards me. you look beautiful…you’re wearing yellow. for the first time in my life, i am thinking the color is beautiful… we hug hello, but no kisses because we are not dating. you tell me i smell good. we stroll the aisles, playfully rubbing against one another. you play in my hair. i tell you to stop because you know that drives me crazy. you do not listen. i try to kiss you, you request i stay in “my dance space.” i am mad, and a little tickled, that you are using my words against me. i whisper in your ear that i want you…. you smile…. you ask me what i have eaten that day. i say hardly anything. you want to go for pizza and salad.

i drive to dinner confused.

we select our seats. you try to read me. we eat. you try to read me. i am feeling a little exposed. you might be getting inside of me. i try to block it. you continue to read me. you play with my hands. you ask me how i like to orgasm. i ask you what’s the difference between dating and hanging out between two people who are attracted to one another. you say you have to think about that one. you continue to read me. i am trying to block it. i tell you that i think you are scared of me. you laugh… you then say come on, let’s go to your place. you then tell me we’re buddies so, no trying anything. i remind you that i am celibate until i come back from europe. you tell me you are celibate until you come back from europe.

i drive to your place confused.

i stretch out on your floor, stomach down. my naked back is exposed. just your promise separates me from my commitment to celibacy. you position yourself on top of me, straddling my hips. you get comfortable on my ample cushion. i am beginning to feel aroused…. you perform your services. i moan with pleasure. you warn me about the erotic sounds. i explain that i cannot help it. i do not let you know that i cannot because i am envisioning the intimacy we could share. i am now extremely aroused. i do not want this to end…but it has to eventually. when it does, you get up and move to the other side of the room. i nap for a bit, surrounded by the glow of the experience. i then dress and walk to the door. you walk me out, hug me goodbye and ask me to call you when i get home.

i drive home confused.

halfway home, you call me. we talk having the conversation which has become quite familiar over the past week. you tell me you wanted to look at me, touch me, feel me. i ask you why you didn’t. i admit that i am celibate, but i have not set any boundaries, depends on the person. you tell me boundaries are foreplay. i let you know this sucks but appreciate your honesty and that i do not trust you, as a person. i do not know but i just do not feel that i can. you say you understand. i tell you i don’t like your mixed signals. you apologize. you tell me i give them too. i do not know what you mean and ask you to explain. you cannot give any examples, but say i know what i do. you let me know that you cannot wait to do my astrology reading so you can learn the basics of my personality and just learn about me. you then tell me good night.

i go to bed confused.

Being Selfish: Love Just for Me

I want a love of my own, just for me. I do not want to share or be considered second, third OR even fourth place. I want the eyes that watch me as I sleep, the mouth that gently loves me and the hand that interlaces with mine to all belong to the heart that only beats my name…

Every woman, I have loved, been involved with OR dated, has had someone else who they have deep down OR even out front, adored. There has always been that other lover, whose name they think of in their first and last thoughts of the day. All the while, I am thinking theirs… There has always been a third party in my relationship, an unspoken force, with which, we have had to deal. I am tired of it.

I am incredible woman with an enormous amount of love to give. Yet, I keep attracting those that cannot give me the same. I am 29 years old and have never had anyone be in love with me and this is why. I am not seeking OR even settling for those that are not able to love me completely. It is just revealed later on in our relationship, that there is someone else who she loves, which causes them not to love me….

I want a love of my own, just for me…..

The Only Thing I'm Sure of is Stress & Pain

I am really not sure what I want this to be. Scratch that.... I do know what I want this to be, I am just not sure if that is in the plans for me, and if so, the required time period for all of this to be realized.

On top of that, all of this is making me extremely tired and I nap very hard, but wake up an hour or so later, wide awake. I just want to sleep through the night. Now, I am drowsy, restless and in pain. My back aches so much....

The stress made Sunday so great... I got to see my Anitra and I did karaoke, which I have never done, but ALWAYS wanted to do.... Other things also made it nice...

My Monday brought me back to reality.... I really feel like I cannot deal with it all. 4 is such a high number.....

coping mechanism

i simply want all of this to go away. i cannot deal. i do not want to deal. i am going on hiatus.....

Reflecting on My 29th Year

My 29th year of living will be over in less than 30 minutes. As I begin this 30th year of living, I have a lot on which to reflect and remember...
This was the year, I met two incredibly remarkable women, who have forever changed how I see myself and interact with others!
This was the year, I faced my fears and let out all that was inside. One has turned out for the good. One is left to be seen...
This was the year, I experienced a lot of loss... At times, it felt like a little too much... They say, God does not close one door without opening another.
This was the year, my mom got sick and is currently in the hospital for the first time in 29 years.
This was the year, I saw the truth in people and realized I should listen more to my instincts.
This was the year, I took that true family vacation and created memories and stories that will last a lifetime.
This was the year, I said "see you later" to one of my best friends, as she started a new chapter in her life.
This was the year, I finally enabled one of my dreams to come true. In just 135 days, I will be in Europe.
This was the year, I discovered little pieces of God's glorious work, courtesy of Wyoming and the Grand Canyon.

What will next year be? MY VISION and the endless possibilities...

High + Alone = Anger Management

I've been hibernating for a few days. Not holed up in a room, hibernating, but from people.... I've been feeling really angry and have just not been in the mood to deal with the bullshit that people bring! I've also been resting so, maybe that would be considered to be holed up in a room. I don't know, but the sleep has been great!

Well when, I wasn't sleeping, I have enjoyed the High Museum. I saw their Lourve Atlanta and Annie Leibovitz exhibits, among others... I adored every bit of it. It was nice getting out and just being with me....

I have spent sometime thinking and sorting out my anger... Now that I've calmed down, I have reconnected with my girls! I love them so so much!

So, what's next for me... I really need a hair cut....

Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack

That's what my life has been lately... Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack!

YOU:
Ashley Joy, what makes it Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack?

ME:
1. I was supposed to go with a girl to the Doria Roberts' Birthday Show on 08/25. It was not going to be a date, because she has a girlfriend. It was just two friends going to a great show! Well, I want to get a table for the show. Tables seat and are priced equivalent to four (4) individual tickets. I let her know that I want a table and I am going to invite a couple more people. Since, it is not a date, because she has a girlfriend. She tells me, have fun with my friends and that she'll go with someone else. This makes no sense at all. So for me to go with her and to get a table, I will have to waste $30. WACK for the money and WACK for tripping out on me!
Sidenote: Girl, who is tripping, I know you read my blog and yes, I do not care that I am calling you out because what you did was WACK!
2. Girls who I used to date are trying to get at one of my friends.... I am not going to say anymore, than that right now.... BUT THIS COULD TURN INTO THE LATE SUMMER/EARLY AUTUMN SCANDAL!!!! All I am telling my friend is, I told you!!! ;-) Like my favorite lesbian joke says, "what do you call a group of lesbians hanging out? Ex-girlfriends."

I am the Princess of Power!

Maybe there is some truth to this Vision Board thing, because ever since I created mine on Sunday, things have been great! Sure, I have been hit with some low blows, but I am okay. I have been blushing, smiling, glowing constantly. I radiate happiness!

I could also be me exercising, you know the endorphins. So maybe, there is truth to that too! Yesterday, my sister and I went walking up Stone Mountain. It was nice... We talked about our situations, all while joking and laughing like we always do! I love her so much!!!!

Maybe, it's my friends supporting me and telling me everything is for the best! I love them too! I am so grateful to have them believing in me....

So now, it's back to work, until another blog hits my brain....

Keep it positive everyone and make it a SUPER Tuesday,
~Ashley Joy~, but maybe you should call me She-Ra

Talk to Me

You lean into me, resting your head on my shoulder. I reach around and rub your hair. You're tired, it's been a long day. Still, I ask, are you okay? You tell me you're fine and then you sigh one of those sighs that you do when something isn't so right. I ask you to open up, tell me. You raise your head and look at me with an expression I can't read, yet know something is not right. I'm frustrated by you.... Why won't you open up to me?

I lean into you, resting my head on your shoulder. You reach around and rub my hair. I'm tired, it's been a long day. Still, you ask, am I okay? I tell you I'm fine and sigh one of my sighs that I do when something isn't so right. You ask me to open up, tell you. I raise my head and look at you with an expression that you can't read, but is revealing all of my truth, yet you know something is not right. You're frustrated by me..... You want me to open up to you.

We talk all the time, but you never share anything. You give me advice on how to deal with my issues, but you never say anything to me about your problems. I share with you so many of my insecurities, but you only hint at what's bothering you. And, your hints are hard to decifer. Are you afraid that I'm not going to be there to listen, to support you? People, your friends, care about you. We are here, so please talk.

It's difficult for me to talk, when what's concerning me is you. I like you, I'm crazy about you. You're beautiful, but the like is unrequited so, "I keep it to myself." How can I share with you my relationship problems when the problem is I want my friend? You make me nervous, giddy, anxious. You make me feel like a girl....

I lean my head on your shoulder and wrap my arms around you. I tell you to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... You open your mouth and begin to talk.....

You lean your head on my shoulder and wrap your arms around me. You tell me to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... I open my mouth and begin to talk.....

We're shocked. We can't deal with it. We don't want to confront the situation so, we avoid one another. We wonder where things went wrong. Will things ever be back to how wonderful they were?

Will and why can't I stop being attracted to her?

Will and why can't she stop being attracted to me?

Getting Rid of the Jealousy

Your emotions are taking a backseat to cold logic right now, which is helping
you make a levelheaded conclusion about someone whose actions have been
confusing you lately. There's a fresh, clean energy inside of you that will
enable you to cut through the games and see things as they truly are. It's an
excellent day for important deliberation. If there is a big decision you've been
toying with, today is a great time to sit down and go over the pros and cons.

Virgo Horoscope for August 6, 2007 by Astrology.com

After what I have been going through, I was scared shitless by today’s reading. I have been very confused lately and definitely need to cut through the games. So, I will attempt to ask the question that needs to be asked….. Me being me, I am very nervous. What if the answer is something I really do not want to hear? Then again, what if it is something that I really do want to hear? This is just a chance I am going to take. This will not be another Renée!

By the way, I did go running and it was fabulous! I received some clarity, discovered something about myself that is absolutely hilarious and stirred the creative juices so I could start (and complete) my Vision Board.

This is about to be the big time!!

What I Do Not Want in Me

It is not that I do not believe in jealousy, but I try not to embody it. And, as hard as I try not to embody it, sometimes I am. I guess it is okay that sometimes I am, because then I become more aware of how or who I do not want to be.

Right now, I am jealous....

Right now, I do not want to be....

Right now, I am going to seperate myself from the situation so, I will no longer feel jealous....

I need to go running...

Yesterday was My Gayest Day Ever

Sooooooooooo......
Yesterday, after work, I had some errands to run. Go to Target to return a box. Go to Wal-Mart to return some headbands....I need headbands with grip combs and these didn't have them. Go to UPS to drop off a package. Then to Publix to order a birthday cake (she does not read my blog so, it does not matter that I am writing this...lol). Well, I was in Target and all of a sudden, I felt like I had been hit with the "she's gay!" spotlight.... I had gone the whole day and not felt anything unusual or odd or different. I looked down at myself and what I was wearing and felt like people were shopping next to the "dykiest" girl in the entire store. I mean, all I had on was my:
green HRC t-shirt, with the big logo on the back
jeans
silver ring
pink Chuck Taylor's
scarf to protect and cover my freshly-done two strand twist
SIDE NOTE on the HAIR: It is truly going to look so dope when I take it down on Saturday! :-D

So, what about what I was wearing made me think I looked gayer, than gay? Was it the HRC shirt, the silver ring, the Chuck's, the scarf? Ask my sister and she will say, ALL OF THE ABOVE! She swears that all lesbians wear silver rings, Chuck's, have natural hair, etc. When I go out with my friends, yes, I do notice that almost all of us have natural hair, be it in a fro or locs. We also could, if combed our entire jewelry collection, supply a small nation with a year's supply of silver. And so, yes a handful of us, wear Chuck's. Those are just stereotypes, that for which almost all of my friends could affirm positive. I do not know....

What lesbian stereotype do you find to be true? False?

At Night I Can't Sleep, I Toss and Turn

Candle sticks in the dark, visions of bodies being burned
Four walls just staring at a nigga

Well, it wasn't that extreme, but I was up for 3.5 hours last night...tossing and turning and turning and tossing. I finally decide to read some of my Harry Potter and that put me to sleep in no time! Not that the book is boring, but it was late and the drowsiness finally kicked in...

Anyhow, what was keeping me awake? Life was keeping me awake. Decisions to make, changes that are occuring, things to do... Not that the decisions, changes and things are bad. Most of them are good! Just the thought of them has been disturbing my sleep.

I did come to realize that:
I love my friends.
I can do better.
I think they are absolutely beautiful...I blush when I think of them.
I am extremely excited about everything that is happening over the next six (6) weeks.
I really need someone to go to Vegas with me.....

All of This is Nothing But Wasted Time

I could not have said it better myself...
When will Virgos STOP feeling this pain, loving this love....

Wasted Time
Me'Shell Ndegéocello

You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me

Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I

In my fantasy you are asleep beside me
I feel you breathe
If only I could be there for you
The one that you make love to

Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I

You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me

Growing Balls

I despise confrontation, even when it could lead to a very good outcome. I just cannot deal with scaring or hurting anyone or having someone tell me no… Lately, I have been like, “I don’t give a damn. I’m doing this shit!”

I got up the courage to ask an old friend, why she and I did not work out. I was very fearful of how she was going to respond. It turned out to be okay. And, things are great between us…

I was finally able to gather the nerves and ask a friend of her intentions with me. While, I did not get a direct answer, I did receive enough of one to make me even more curious of how I fit into her life.

I have decided to write the letter that I have needed to write for the past 10 months.

What else is in store for me? From where, did these balls come?