leo signals

you walk into the store. you do not see me. i do not see you. you call me and ask where. i say in the front of the store, on the left. you ask, near the cookbooks. yes, i reply. you walk towards me. you look beautiful…you’re wearing yellow. for the first time in my life, i am thinking the color is beautiful… we hug hello, but no kisses because we are not dating. you tell me i smell good. we stroll the aisles, playfully rubbing against one another. you play in my hair. i tell you to stop because you know that drives me crazy. you do not listen. i try to kiss you, you request i stay in “my dance space.” i am mad, and a little tickled, that you are using my words against me. i whisper in your ear that i want you…. you smile…. you ask me what i have eaten that day. i say hardly anything. you want to go for pizza and salad.

i drive to dinner confused.

we select our seats. you try to read me. we eat. you try to read me. i am feeling a little exposed. you might be getting inside of me. i try to block it. you continue to read me. you play with my hands. you ask me how i like to orgasm. i ask you what’s the difference between dating and hanging out between two people who are attracted to one another. you say you have to think about that one. you continue to read me. i am trying to block it. i tell you that i think you are scared of me. you laugh… you then say come on, let’s go to your place. you then tell me we’re buddies so, no trying anything. i remind you that i am celibate until i come back from europe. you tell me you are celibate until you come back from europe.

i drive to your place confused.

i stretch out on your floor, stomach down. my naked back is exposed. just your promise separates me from my commitment to celibacy. you position yourself on top of me, straddling my hips. you get comfortable on my ample cushion. i am beginning to feel aroused…. you perform your services. i moan with pleasure. you warn me about the erotic sounds. i explain that i cannot help it. i do not let you know that i cannot because i am envisioning the intimacy we could share. i am now extremely aroused. i do not want this to end…but it has to eventually. when it does, you get up and move to the other side of the room. i nap for a bit, surrounded by the glow of the experience. i then dress and walk to the door. you walk me out, hug me goodbye and ask me to call you when i get home.

i drive home confused.

halfway home, you call me. we talk having the conversation which has become quite familiar over the past week. you tell me you wanted to look at me, touch me, feel me. i ask you why you didn’t. i admit that i am celibate, but i have not set any boundaries, depends on the person. you tell me boundaries are foreplay. i let you know this sucks but appreciate your honesty and that i do not trust you, as a person. i do not know but i just do not feel that i can. you say you understand. i tell you i don’t like your mixed signals. you apologize. you tell me i give them too. i do not know what you mean and ask you to explain. you cannot give any examples, but say i know what i do. you let me know that you cannot wait to do my astrology reading so you can learn the basics of my personality and just learn about me. you then tell me good night.

i go to bed confused.

Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack

That's what my life has been lately... Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack!

YOU:
Ashley Joy, what makes it Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack?

ME:
1. I was supposed to go with a girl to the Doria Roberts' Birthday Show on 08/25. It was not going to be a date, because she has a girlfriend. It was just two friends going to a great show! Well, I want to get a table for the show. Tables seat and are priced equivalent to four (4) individual tickets. I let her know that I want a table and I am going to invite a couple more people. Since, it is not a date, because she has a girlfriend. She tells me, have fun with my friends and that she'll go with someone else. This makes no sense at all. So for me to go with her and to get a table, I will have to waste $30. WACK for the money and WACK for tripping out on me!
Sidenote: Girl, who is tripping, I know you read my blog and yes, I do not care that I am calling you out because what you did was WACK!
2. Girls who I used to date are trying to get at one of my friends.... I am not going to say anymore, than that right now.... BUT THIS COULD TURN INTO THE LATE SUMMER/EARLY AUTUMN SCANDAL!!!! All I am telling my friend is, I told you!!! ;-) Like my favorite lesbian joke says, "what do you call a group of lesbians hanging out? Ex-girlfriends."

Talk to Me

You lean into me, resting your head on my shoulder. I reach around and rub your hair. You're tired, it's been a long day. Still, I ask, are you okay? You tell me you're fine and then you sigh one of those sighs that you do when something isn't so right. I ask you to open up, tell me. You raise your head and look at me with an expression I can't read, yet know something is not right. I'm frustrated by you.... Why won't you open up to me?

I lean into you, resting my head on your shoulder. You reach around and rub my hair. I'm tired, it's been a long day. Still, you ask, am I okay? I tell you I'm fine and sigh one of my sighs that I do when something isn't so right. You ask me to open up, tell you. I raise my head and look at you with an expression that you can't read, but is revealing all of my truth, yet you know something is not right. You're frustrated by me..... You want me to open up to you.

We talk all the time, but you never share anything. You give me advice on how to deal with my issues, but you never say anything to me about your problems. I share with you so many of my insecurities, but you only hint at what's bothering you. And, your hints are hard to decifer. Are you afraid that I'm not going to be there to listen, to support you? People, your friends, care about you. We are here, so please talk.

It's difficult for me to talk, when what's concerning me is you. I like you, I'm crazy about you. You're beautiful, but the like is unrequited so, "I keep it to myself." How can I share with you my relationship problems when the problem is I want my friend? You make me nervous, giddy, anxious. You make me feel like a girl....

I lean my head on your shoulder and wrap my arms around you. I tell you to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... You open your mouth and begin to talk.....

You lean your head on my shoulder and wrap your arms around me. You tell me to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... I open my mouth and begin to talk.....

We're shocked. We can't deal with it. We don't want to confront the situation so, we avoid one another. We wonder where things went wrong. Will things ever be back to how wonderful they were?

Will and why can't I stop being attracted to her?

Will and why can't she stop being attracted to me?

Yesterday was My Gayest Day Ever

Sooooooooooo......
Yesterday, after work, I had some errands to run. Go to Target to return a box. Go to Wal-Mart to return some headbands....I need headbands with grip combs and these didn't have them. Go to UPS to drop off a package. Then to Publix to order a birthday cake (she does not read my blog so, it does not matter that I am writing this...lol). Well, I was in Target and all of a sudden, I felt like I had been hit with the "she's gay!" spotlight.... I had gone the whole day and not felt anything unusual or odd or different. I looked down at myself and what I was wearing and felt like people were shopping next to the "dykiest" girl in the entire store. I mean, all I had on was my:
green HRC t-shirt, with the big logo on the back
jeans
silver ring
pink Chuck Taylor's
scarf to protect and cover my freshly-done two strand twist
SIDE NOTE on the HAIR: It is truly going to look so dope when I take it down on Saturday! :-D

So, what about what I was wearing made me think I looked gayer, than gay? Was it the HRC shirt, the silver ring, the Chuck's, the scarf? Ask my sister and she will say, ALL OF THE ABOVE! She swears that all lesbians wear silver rings, Chuck's, have natural hair, etc. When I go out with my friends, yes, I do notice that almost all of us have natural hair, be it in a fro or locs. We also could, if combed our entire jewelry collection, supply a small nation with a year's supply of silver. And so, yes a handful of us, wear Chuck's. Those are just stereotypes, that for which almost all of my friends could affirm positive. I do not know....

What lesbian stereotype do you find to be true? False?

Top 6 Reasons Why Pride Was So Wonderful

1. Got out and was "with" the community
2. Educated people on the joys of HRC and why the Employment Non-Discrimination Act is so important
3. Met some cool new people
4. Reintroduced to some people from my past
5. Experienced the fun and scary sites of the naked people....most of whom should not have been naked
6. Allowed me to reinforce my tan

I cannot wait until 2008! :-D

What Does Pride Mean to Me?

So, it is Pride Weekend in Atlanta…. And, I am super excited! I have been out for almost 10 years and this is my first Pride! I have been in town for every Pride, but I have never participated in any of the activities. I have never ventured ITP to hang out at the Park, dine at an outdoor patio as I watch the girls go by or even go to a club to dance until I cannot move anymore. I have just stayed at home and pretty much tried my best to hide who I really was.
Then something happened…. This year, something inside of me changed. I have developed this confidence, this acceptance, this "pride"; I guess you can say, for being gay, a lesbian, a homosexual, a woman who is a lover of women and only women.
Before this year, I never would have had the confidence to put any sort of sticker on my car, endorsing my acceptance of homosexuality and "their"/my rights. Now, I PROUDLY display my HRC sticker on my Jackie.
Before this year, I would have never volunteered and possibly listed my name and address on the roster of a group that promotes the acceptance of homosexuality and rights for all people. Now, I regularly volunteer with the HRC and am a member of their Atlanta Federal Club. I am also on the discussion group for the Atlanta Stonewall Democrats.
What changed inside me? I think it is because of before this year, I never educated myself to learn what it means to be truly different, to take that difference and turn it into a way to help others. To be proud that you are different, to display to others how proud you are to be different and to let them know it is okay for them to be proud to be different too…
So, what does Pride mean to me? It means for to get out there and educate the community, the hetero, homo, bi and transgender and the black, white, Asian and multi; on the importance of being not like everyone else and to accept them for who and what they are…. To me, it is not about partying, drinking, smoking and hooking up (even though I do enjoy three out of those four); it is about being a positive role model of a black lesbian.
So, I will be out this weekend...at the Park, working with the HRC, dining at outdoor patios and of course, watching the girls go by…. If you see me, stop and wish me a Happy Pride, for I will truly be happy and have a lot of which to be proud!