Everything seems endless...
The unknowing
The pain
The stress
The tears
Everything seems unbearable...
The nurturing
The uncertainty
The discomfort
The life
Everything seems...
Exactly like what it is...
When will it stop being?
Showing posts with label reality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reality. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Being Selfish: Love Just for Me
I want a love of my own, just for me. I do not want to share or be considered second, third OR even fourth place. I want the eyes that watch me as I sleep, the mouth that gently loves me and the hand that interlaces with mine to all belong to the heart that only beats my name…
Every woman, I have loved, been involved with OR dated, has had someone else who they have deep down OR even out front, adored. There has always been that other lover, whose name they think of in their first and last thoughts of the day. All the while, I am thinking theirs… There has always been a third party in my relationship, an unspoken force, with which, we have had to deal. I am tired of it.
I am incredible woman with an enormous amount of love to give. Yet, I keep attracting those that cannot give me the same. I am 29 years old and have never had anyone be in love with me and this is why. I am not seeking OR even settling for those that are not able to love me completely. It is just revealed later on in our relationship, that there is someone else who she loves, which causes them not to love me….
I want a love of my own, just for me…..
Every woman, I have loved, been involved with OR dated, has had someone else who they have deep down OR even out front, adored. There has always been that other lover, whose name they think of in their first and last thoughts of the day. All the while, I am thinking theirs… There has always been a third party in my relationship, an unspoken force, with which, we have had to deal. I am tired of it.
I am incredible woman with an enormous amount of love to give. Yet, I keep attracting those that cannot give me the same. I am 29 years old and have never had anyone be in love with me and this is why. I am not seeking OR even settling for those that are not able to love me completely. It is just revealed later on in our relationship, that there is someone else who she loves, which causes them not to love me….
I want a love of my own, just for me…..
Monday, September 10, 2007
The Only Thing I'm Sure of is Stress & Pain
I am really not sure what I want this to be. Scratch that.... I do know what I want this to be, I am just not sure if that is in the plans for me, and if so, the required time period for all of this to be realized.
On top of that, all of this is making me extremely tired and I nap very hard, but wake up an hour or so later, wide awake. I just want to sleep through the night. Now, I am drowsy, restless and in pain. My back aches so much....
The stress made Sunday so great... I got to see my Anitra and I did karaoke, which I have never done, but ALWAYS wanted to do.... Other things also made it nice...
My Monday brought me back to reality.... I really feel like I cannot deal with it all. 4 is such a high number.....
On top of that, all of this is making me extremely tired and I nap very hard, but wake up an hour or so later, wide awake. I just want to sleep through the night. Now, I am drowsy, restless and in pain. My back aches so much....
The stress made Sunday so great... I got to see my Anitra and I did karaoke, which I have never done, but ALWAYS wanted to do.... Other things also made it nice...
My Monday brought me back to reality.... I really feel like I cannot deal with it all. 4 is such a high number.....
Friday, August 31, 2007
Reflecting on My 29th Year
My 29th year of living will be over in less than 30 minutes. As I begin this 30th year of living, I have a lot on which to reflect and remember...
This was the year, I met two incredibly remarkable women, who have forever changed how I see myself and interact with others!
This was the year, I faced my fears and let out all that was inside. One has turned out for the good. One is left to be seen...
This was the year, I experienced a lot of loss... At times, it felt like a little too much... They say, God does not close one door without opening another.
This was the year, my mom got sick and is currently in the hospital for the first time in 29 years.
This was the year, I saw the truth in people and realized I should listen more to my instincts.
This was the year, I took that true family vacation and created memories and stories that will last a lifetime.
This was the year, I said "see you later" to one of my best friends, as she started a new chapter in her life.
This was the year, I finally enabled one of my dreams to come true. In just 135 days, I will be in Europe.
This was the year, I discovered little pieces of God's glorious work, courtesy of Wyoming and the Grand Canyon.
What will next year be? MY VISION and the endless possibilities...
This was the year, I met two incredibly remarkable women, who have forever changed how I see myself and interact with others!
This was the year, I faced my fears and let out all that was inside. One has turned out for the good. One is left to be seen...
This was the year, I experienced a lot of loss... At times, it felt like a little too much... They say, God does not close one door without opening another.
This was the year, my mom got sick and is currently in the hospital for the first time in 29 years.
This was the year, I saw the truth in people and realized I should listen more to my instincts.
This was the year, I took that true family vacation and created memories and stories that will last a lifetime.
This was the year, I said "see you later" to one of my best friends, as she started a new chapter in her life.
This was the year, I finally enabled one of my dreams to come true. In just 135 days, I will be in Europe.
This was the year, I discovered little pieces of God's glorious work, courtesy of Wyoming and the Grand Canyon.
What will next year be? MY VISION and the endless possibilities...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
High + Alone = Anger Management
I've been hibernating for a few days. Not holed up in a room, hibernating, but from people.... I've been feeling really angry and have just not been in the mood to deal with the bullshit that people bring! I've also been resting so, maybe that would be considered to be holed up in a room. I don't know, but the sleep has been great!
Well when, I wasn't sleeping, I have enjoyed the High Museum. I saw their Lourve Atlanta and Annie Leibovitz exhibits, among others... I adored every bit of it. It was nice getting out and just being with me....
I have spent sometime thinking and sorting out my anger... Now that I've calmed down, I have reconnected with my girls! I love them so so much!
So, what's next for me... I really need a hair cut....
Well when, I wasn't sleeping, I have enjoyed the High Museum. I saw their Lourve Atlanta and Annie Leibovitz exhibits, among others... I adored every bit of it. It was nice getting out and just being with me....
I have spent sometime thinking and sorting out my anger... Now that I've calmed down, I have reconnected with my girls! I love them so so much!
So, what's next for me... I really need a hair cut....
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack
That's what my life has been lately... Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack!
YOU:
Ashley Joy, what makes it Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack?
ME:
1. I was supposed to go with a girl to the Doria Roberts' Birthday Show on 08/25. It was not going to be a date, because she has a girlfriend. It was just two friends going to a great show! Well, I want to get a table for the show. Tables seat and are priced equivalent to four (4) individual tickets. I let her know that I want a table and I am going to invite a couple more people. Since, it is not a date, because she has a girlfriend. She tells me, have fun with my friends and that she'll go with someone else. This makes no sense at all. So for me to go with her and to get a table, I will have to waste $30. WACK for the money and WACK for tripping out on me!
Sidenote: Girl, who is tripping, I know you read my blog and yes, I do not care that I am calling you out because what you did was WACK!
2. Girls who I used to date are trying to get at one of my friends.... I am not going to say anymore, than that right now.... BUT THIS COULD TURN INTO THE LATE SUMMER/EARLY AUTUMN SCANDAL!!!! All I am telling my friend is, I told you!!! ;-) Like my favorite lesbian joke says, "what do you call a group of lesbians hanging out? Ex-girlfriends."
YOU:
Ashley Joy, what makes it Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack?
ME:
1. I was supposed to go with a girl to the Doria Roberts' Birthday Show on 08/25. It was not going to be a date, because she has a girlfriend. It was just two friends going to a great show! Well, I want to get a table for the show. Tables seat and are priced equivalent to four (4) individual tickets. I let her know that I want a table and I am going to invite a couple more people. Since, it is not a date, because she has a girlfriend. She tells me, have fun with my friends and that she'll go with someone else. This makes no sense at all. So for me to go with her and to get a table, I will have to waste $30. WACK for the money and WACK for tripping out on me!
Sidenote: Girl, who is tripping, I know you read my blog and yes, I do not care that I am calling you out because what you did was WACK!
2. Girls who I used to date are trying to get at one of my friends.... I am not going to say anymore, than that right now.... BUT THIS COULD TURN INTO THE LATE SUMMER/EARLY AUTUMN SCANDAL!!!! All I am telling my friend is, I told you!!! ;-) Like my favorite lesbian joke says, "what do you call a group of lesbians hanging out? Ex-girlfriends."
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I am the Princess of Power!
Maybe there is some truth to this Vision Board thing, because ever since I created mine on Sunday, things have been great! Sure, I have been hit with some low blows, but I am okay. I have been blushing, smiling, glowing constantly. I radiate happiness!
I could also be me exercising, you know the endorphins. So maybe, there is truth to that too! Yesterday, my sister and I went walking up Stone Mountain. It was nice... We talked about our situations, all while joking and laughing like we always do! I love her so much!!!!
Maybe, it's my friends supporting me and telling me everything is for the best! I love them too! I am so grateful to have them believing in me....
So now, it's back to work, until another blog hits my brain....
Keep it positive everyone and make it a SUPER Tuesday,
~Ashley Joy~, but maybe you should call me She-Ra
I could also be me exercising, you know the endorphins. So maybe, there is truth to that too! Yesterday, my sister and I went walking up Stone Mountain. It was nice... We talked about our situations, all while joking and laughing like we always do! I love her so much!!!!
Maybe, it's my friends supporting me and telling me everything is for the best! I love them too! I am so grateful to have them believing in me....
So now, it's back to work, until another blog hits my brain....
Keep it positive everyone and make it a SUPER Tuesday,
~Ashley Joy~, but maybe you should call me She-Ra
Monday, August 6, 2007
Talk to Me
You lean into me, resting your head on my shoulder. I reach around and rub your hair. You're tired, it's been a long day. Still, I ask, are you okay? You tell me you're fine and then you sigh one of those sighs that you do when something isn't so right. I ask you to open up, tell me. You raise your head and look at me with an expression I can't read, yet know something is not right. I'm frustrated by you.... Why won't you open up to me?
I lean into you, resting my head on your shoulder. You reach around and rub my hair. I'm tired, it's been a long day. Still, you ask, am I okay? I tell you I'm fine and sigh one of my sighs that I do when something isn't so right. You ask me to open up, tell you. I raise my head and look at you with an expression that you can't read, but is revealing all of my truth, yet you know something is not right. You're frustrated by me..... You want me to open up to you.
We talk all the time, but you never share anything. You give me advice on how to deal with my issues, but you never say anything to me about your problems. I share with you so many of my insecurities, but you only hint at what's bothering you. And, your hints are hard to decifer. Are you afraid that I'm not going to be there to listen, to support you? People, your friends, care about you. We are here, so please talk.
It's difficult for me to talk, when what's concerning me is you. I like you, I'm crazy about you. You're beautiful, but the like is unrequited so, "I keep it to myself." How can I share with you my relationship problems when the problem is I want my friend? You make me nervous, giddy, anxious. You make me feel like a girl....
I lean my head on your shoulder and wrap my arms around you. I tell you to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... You open your mouth and begin to talk.....
You lean your head on my shoulder and wrap your arms around me. You tell me to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... I open my mouth and begin to talk.....
We're shocked. We can't deal with it. We don't want to confront the situation so, we avoid one another. We wonder where things went wrong. Will things ever be back to how wonderful they were?
Will and why can't I stop being attracted to her?
Will and why can't she stop being attracted to me?
I lean into you, resting my head on your shoulder. You reach around and rub my hair. I'm tired, it's been a long day. Still, you ask, am I okay? I tell you I'm fine and sigh one of my sighs that I do when something isn't so right. You ask me to open up, tell you. I raise my head and look at you with an expression that you can't read, but is revealing all of my truth, yet you know something is not right. You're frustrated by me..... You want me to open up to you.
We talk all the time, but you never share anything. You give me advice on how to deal with my issues, but you never say anything to me about your problems. I share with you so many of my insecurities, but you only hint at what's bothering you. And, your hints are hard to decifer. Are you afraid that I'm not going to be there to listen, to support you? People, your friends, care about you. We are here, so please talk.
It's difficult for me to talk, when what's concerning me is you. I like you, I'm crazy about you. You're beautiful, but the like is unrequited so, "I keep it to myself." How can I share with you my relationship problems when the problem is I want my friend? You make me nervous, giddy, anxious. You make me feel like a girl....
I lean my head on your shoulder and wrap my arms around you. I tell you to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... You open your mouth and begin to talk.....
You lean your head on my shoulder and wrap your arms around me. You tell me to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... I open my mouth and begin to talk.....
We're shocked. We can't deal with it. We don't want to confront the situation so, we avoid one another. We wonder where things went wrong. Will things ever be back to how wonderful they were?
Will and why can't I stop being attracted to her?
Will and why can't she stop being attracted to me?
Getting Rid of the Jealousy
Your emotions are taking a backseat to cold logic right now, which is helpingVirgo Horoscope for August 6, 2007 by Astrology.com
you make a levelheaded conclusion about someone whose actions have been
confusing you lately. There's a fresh, clean energy inside of you that will
enable you to cut through the games and see things as they truly are. It's an
excellent day for important deliberation. If there is a big decision you've been
toying with, today is a great time to sit down and go over the pros and cons.
After what I have been going through, I was scared shitless by today’s reading. I have been very confused lately and definitely need to cut through the games. So, I will attempt to ask the question that needs to be asked….. Me being me, I am very nervous. What if the answer is something I really do not want to hear? Then again, what if it is something that I really do want to hear? This is just a chance I am going to take. This will not be another Renée!
By the way, I did go running and it was fabulous! I received some clarity, discovered something about myself that is absolutely hilarious and stirred the creative juices so I could start (and complete) my Vision Board.
This is about to be the big time!!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
What I Do Not Want in Me
It is not that I do not believe in jealousy, but I try not to embody it. And, as hard as I try not to embody it, sometimes I am. I guess it is okay that sometimes I am, because then I become more aware of how or who I do not want to be.
Right now, I am jealous....
Right now, I do not want to be....
Right now, I am going to seperate myself from the situation so, I will no longer feel jealous....
I need to go running...
Right now, I am jealous....
Right now, I do not want to be....
Right now, I am going to seperate myself from the situation so, I will no longer feel jealous....
I need to go running...
Thursday, July 26, 2007
All of This is Nothing But Wasted Time
I could not have said it better myself...
When will Virgos STOP feeling this pain, loving this love....
Wasted Time
Me'Shell Ndegéocello
You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me
Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I
In my fantasy you are asleep beside me
I feel you breathe
If only I could be there for you
The one that you make love to
Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I
You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me
When will Virgos STOP feeling this pain, loving this love....
Wasted Time
Me'Shell Ndegéocello
You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me
Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I
In my fantasy you are asleep beside me
I feel you breathe
If only I could be there for you
The one that you make love to
Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I
You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
A Letter to Her...
My dearest JATD,
You are beautiful, but you know this. I, and almost all of your friends, have told you so many times before. Everyone thinks of you as being incredibly sexy… From your phone operator voice, which drives me insane….I always save your voicemail messages, to your overall style, you are amazing! I love the time we spend together…. I just wish I did not think of you the way that I do. Most people love having crushes, but I do not love, nor like, having one on you. We are friends and that is all it can be. You are going through your thing and I need to be concentrating on taking care of my life. Plus, you do not even like me like that. I think, but probably so… It just seems weird when I hear stories of you watching me move and how I always feel nervous when we say goodbye. It was like that at first, then for a while, it was strictly friends… Then, the last couple of times, I do not know. Maybe, you were making me feel weird because of the alcohol you had been drinking. Maybe, you were thinking of someone else and projecting onto me. Yes, that is definitely, what it was. You did not really want me; you wanted her. Well, thank you for making me feel desired during those few minutes of us saying goodbye…. Next time, it shall go back to the way it was before, you and me being friends, confidants. I am going to wake up from the crazy fantasy!
~Ashley Joy~
You are beautiful, but you know this. I, and almost all of your friends, have told you so many times before. Everyone thinks of you as being incredibly sexy… From your phone operator voice, which drives me insane….I always save your voicemail messages, to your overall style, you are amazing! I love the time we spend together…. I just wish I did not think of you the way that I do. Most people love having crushes, but I do not love, nor like, having one on you. We are friends and that is all it can be. You are going through your thing and I need to be concentrating on taking care of my life. Plus, you do not even like me like that. I think, but probably so… It just seems weird when I hear stories of you watching me move and how I always feel nervous when we say goodbye. It was like that at first, then for a while, it was strictly friends… Then, the last couple of times, I do not know. Maybe, you were making me feel weird because of the alcohol you had been drinking. Maybe, you were thinking of someone else and projecting onto me. Yes, that is definitely, what it was. You did not really want me; you wanted her. Well, thank you for making me feel desired during those few minutes of us saying goodbye…. Next time, it shall go back to the way it was before, you and me being friends, confidants. I am going to wake up from the crazy fantasy!
~Ashley Joy~
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Focus, Ashley Joy, focus!
I need to face reality and stop acting out of fear. I have hopes, dreams and aspirations. The only way they will ever become reality is for me to focus. I have the means to make everything come true. I just need to do it and make sacrifices. I just need to understand what is most important.
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