thoughts of two

she thinks i'm pretty
i think she's intriguing
i'm possibly maybe interested in knowing more....

she thinks i'm hot
i think she's full of it
i'm possibly maybe not so sure what i want out of this...

she thinks i'm amazing
i think she's wonderful
i'm possibly maybe definitely wanting all of her...

she thinks i'm invisible
i think she's soul stirring
i'm possibly maybe going to try a bit more....or not....

Everything...

Everything seems endless...
The unknowing
The pain
The stress
The tears

Everything seems unbearable...
The nurturing
The uncertainty
The discomfort
The life

Everything seems...
Exactly like what it is...

When will it stop being?

LeLe & Sunshine

I had a dream where everyone was telling you, you loved me.
I had a dream you told me, you loved me.
I want you.
I cannot have you.
I will continue to dream.

The Convergence of the Skies?

A friend told me this story... I thought it was beautiful, and somewhat appropriate so, I wanted to repost for everyone to experience....

Night skies open up to a random breeze, that bring a new, but familiar life to the evening. The random breeze entices, caresses and envelops the night, as if, it were the only one that ever existed. The random breeze begins to dance away leaving the night sky confused and wanting more.

Day skies attract random breezes, that always bring a promise of soul warming heat. The random breezes play, intensify and even stir up to powerful winds of emotion. The day sky becomes torn and exhausted by the play exemplified by the random breezes.

Unsure of what to do, the night sky seeks the warmth of the day and the day sky seeks the stability of the night, for answers and guidance. The day sky tells the night sky with her standard answer, ignore the random breezes. The night sky advises the day to be careful and selective of the random breezes she entertains...

Despite being opposites, the two skies are the same. Both are the only ones, who truly understand the other and see all of their beauty. While everyone is aware of the exterior beauty of the day, the night is aware of her interior. While no one is aware of the exterior beauty of the night, therefore the interior, the day is aware of both.

The two skies share a deep, undeniable love and understanding for one another, as if they share the same core.

This love has on occasion left one of the skies wondering, what if the breezes were ignored? What if the two skies converged and became one? What would happen to universe? What would happen to them? What would happen to their love? What would happen to their understanding? What would happen to their core? What would happen if they truly tried?

Last Night

Last night, I was tired and restless so, I decided to stay in. I was invited out by a couple of people, but needed some time for me, some time to think.

As I always am with my restless mind and a little bit of time to myself, I start to rapidly sort out issues and answer my questions. Here's what I resolved last night....

1. M just wants to fuck me!
2. J really wants me to herself. She wants me to be happy, but I think she adores having me to herself.
3. I keep running from one problem to the other, but am really just running in circles.
4. If I close my eyes tight enough, I feel tears running down my wrists.

leo signals

you walk into the store. you do not see me. i do not see you. you call me and ask where. i say in the front of the store, on the left. you ask, near the cookbooks. yes, i reply. you walk towards me. you look beautiful…you’re wearing yellow. for the first time in my life, i am thinking the color is beautiful… we hug hello, but no kisses because we are not dating. you tell me i smell good. we stroll the aisles, playfully rubbing against one another. you play in my hair. i tell you to stop because you know that drives me crazy. you do not listen. i try to kiss you, you request i stay in “my dance space.” i am mad, and a little tickled, that you are using my words against me. i whisper in your ear that i want you…. you smile…. you ask me what i have eaten that day. i say hardly anything. you want to go for pizza and salad.

i drive to dinner confused.

we select our seats. you try to read me. we eat. you try to read me. i am feeling a little exposed. you might be getting inside of me. i try to block it. you continue to read me. you play with my hands. you ask me how i like to orgasm. i ask you what’s the difference between dating and hanging out between two people who are attracted to one another. you say you have to think about that one. you continue to read me. i am trying to block it. i tell you that i think you are scared of me. you laugh… you then say come on, let’s go to your place. you then tell me we’re buddies so, no trying anything. i remind you that i am celibate until i come back from europe. you tell me you are celibate until you come back from europe.

i drive to your place confused.

i stretch out on your floor, stomach down. my naked back is exposed. just your promise separates me from my commitment to celibacy. you position yourself on top of me, straddling my hips. you get comfortable on my ample cushion. i am beginning to feel aroused…. you perform your services. i moan with pleasure. you warn me about the erotic sounds. i explain that i cannot help it. i do not let you know that i cannot because i am envisioning the intimacy we could share. i am now extremely aroused. i do not want this to end…but it has to eventually. when it does, you get up and move to the other side of the room. i nap for a bit, surrounded by the glow of the experience. i then dress and walk to the door. you walk me out, hug me goodbye and ask me to call you when i get home.

i drive home confused.

halfway home, you call me. we talk having the conversation which has become quite familiar over the past week. you tell me you wanted to look at me, touch me, feel me. i ask you why you didn’t. i admit that i am celibate, but i have not set any boundaries, depends on the person. you tell me boundaries are foreplay. i let you know this sucks but appreciate your honesty and that i do not trust you, as a person. i do not know but i just do not feel that i can. you say you understand. i tell you i don’t like your mixed signals. you apologize. you tell me i give them too. i do not know what you mean and ask you to explain. you cannot give any examples, but say i know what i do. you let me know that you cannot wait to do my astrology reading so you can learn the basics of my personality and just learn about me. you then tell me good night.

i go to bed confused.

Being Selfish: Love Just for Me

I want a love of my own, just for me. I do not want to share or be considered second, third OR even fourth place. I want the eyes that watch me as I sleep, the mouth that gently loves me and the hand that interlaces with mine to all belong to the heart that only beats my name…

Every woman, I have loved, been involved with OR dated, has had someone else who they have deep down OR even out front, adored. There has always been that other lover, whose name they think of in their first and last thoughts of the day. All the while, I am thinking theirs… There has always been a third party in my relationship, an unspoken force, with which, we have had to deal. I am tired of it.

I am incredible woman with an enormous amount of love to give. Yet, I keep attracting those that cannot give me the same. I am 29 years old and have never had anyone be in love with me and this is why. I am not seeking OR even settling for those that are not able to love me completely. It is just revealed later on in our relationship, that there is someone else who she loves, which causes them not to love me….

I want a love of my own, just for me…..

The Only Thing I'm Sure of is Stress & Pain

I am really not sure what I want this to be. Scratch that.... I do know what I want this to be, I am just not sure if that is in the plans for me, and if so, the required time period for all of this to be realized.

On top of that, all of this is making me extremely tired and I nap very hard, but wake up an hour or so later, wide awake. I just want to sleep through the night. Now, I am drowsy, restless and in pain. My back aches so much....

The stress made Sunday so great... I got to see my Anitra and I did karaoke, which I have never done, but ALWAYS wanted to do.... Other things also made it nice...

My Monday brought me back to reality.... I really feel like I cannot deal with it all. 4 is such a high number.....

coping mechanism

i simply want all of this to go away. i cannot deal. i do not want to deal. i am going on hiatus.....

For You...

I am so happy to have you in my life and feel fortunate that you allow me in yours! You are always willing to offer a shoulder on which to cry or an ear to listen. When I am around you, I am allowed to be me. I do not have to put up any fronts, act like who I am not, edit my thoughts...I can just be all that I am. With you, I feel secure and just happy.

Thank you for everything and I love you ,
~Ashley Joy~

My Birthday Weekend...2007

Overall, my birthday was a blast...more on why in a later blog...
I do have some super photos to hold you over...