Tonight I Ripped My Pants

Because they were too tight
Because I have gained 20 pounds in the past 4 months
Because I cannot stop eating
Because I am trying to deal
Because I am depressed
Because my mom has lung cancer.

2007 Resolution Update

To prepare for 2008, I need to evaluate my 2007 resolutions, honestly and unapologetically...

1. I will try to take care of my body, for it is truly a temple. I will try not to make stops at Kroger on the way to work and pick up a dozen doughnuts to consume over a 1 - 3 day period. I will try not to make stops at Wendys for their fries and vanilla Frostys. I will try not to make stops at Dairy Queen for their Blizzards, especially since I am becoming lactose intolerant. I will try to eat regular meals every day. I will try to work out at least 20 minutes a day. I will try to think before I eat.

Did I do it? I tried, but was not able to fully master this resolution. I have been eating due to stress.

2. I will try to let go off all past heartbreak. I will try not to "occasionally" check my e-mail and MySpace account for notices from girls from my past. I will delete the bookmarked profiles of the aforementioned. I will try not to bookmark those profiles again or any others.

Did I do it? Yes!!!!

3. I will try to cherish and develop my current relationships, friends and family. I will try to recognize that if it was not for their support, I would not be here today. I will try to place high value on what they have to offer and not take them for granted.

Did I do it? Yes and I have been given so many opportunities to return the favor... I am so blessed!

4. I will try to look within myself and to nature to develop a better relationship with God. I will try to understand the results of my actions before I act. I will try to meditate daily, in a hope to connect to myself, nature and God. I will try to experience and return all of the blessings I have received.

Did I do it? I did the best I could, but not perfect...

5. Relating to number 3 and 4, I will try to not feel sad, angry or upset that I am currently and could be/possibly in the future without a "loved one." I will try to remember that God has a bigger plan for me and that I have myself, friends and family to love.

Did I do it? Yes and I was blessed with a love of my own.... She warms my soul.... We are just taking things slowly to make sure there are no mistakes...

2007 Year in Review: Web Sites

I spend a lot of time online reading, researching, shopping, dreaming, connecting.... Here are the web sites that have brought me the most joy in 2007...

5. MySpace

Tom and crew never stop improving so, I will never stop ranking!

4. Blogger

I keep four blogs and Blogger keeps my interest separate.

3. MyRegistry

I like to shop. I like to receive gifts. MyRegistry allows for me to compile all of my material wants, from various online and offline sites for others to view and purchase at their leisure!

2. Wikipedia

I just cannot seem to learn enough!

My Number 1 Web Site of 2007 is....

Twitter

I want to know what you are doing and want to share with you what I am....

2007 Year in Review: Songs

I have a lot of friends, who live and die for music. Me, not so much! However, I do really enjoy it and would feel lost without because it helps move life along.... There are some songs which help move life more than others. My top songs of 2007 are not necessarily songs released this year, but those that I have enjoyed the most....

5. Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Why I love it? Because sometimes it really is me and not you..

4. Paper Planes by M.I.A.

Why I love it? Because the beat is hot! Because she is speaking the truth about life, even if MTV wants to edit her....

3. Letter by Letter by AYO.

Why I love it? Because sometimes you just want your loved one to share...something, even if it is just a little...

2. Pretty Wings by Maxwell

Why I love it? Because even though he has only released a snippet of his upcoming song, I am yearning for more. Because she was beautiful, yet dangerous and you had to leave...

My Number 1 Song of 2007 is....

S.O.S. by Doria Roberts

Why I love it? Because it has helped me get through the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with... Because...

we're running with this weight on our backs
And we're watching each step on treacherous and narrow paths
But every time there is a fork in the road
We are just getting use to our heavy loads
And we're so tired from the choosing that we haven't got the strength for trying
And I'm so tired of living just because I am afraid of dying
But I won't give up fighting for this pilgrimage I call surviving

2007 Year in Review: Concerts

One of my hobbies is live music, I will go to almost any show, does not matter, if I know the artist or not. Well, let me rephrase.... I will pay for the ones I like, but I will gladly go to almost any show. Usually, I will come away a big fan. I, also, spend a considerable amount of my income on concerts, plays, etc. I feel like I am always going to see someone.. So, here are the best of my 2007 excursions....

5. Beyoncé (07/20/2007 at Philips Arena)

I am a HUGE Destiny's Child fan and I think Beyoncé is pretty great too! In 2005, I saw them perform at the Essence Music Festival and it was a phenomenal show. So, when I heard that Beyoncé was going on tour for her B'Day CD, I had to be there! The show was as amazing, as you could have imagined... I had fantastic seats (so close that Beyoncé gave a shout out to the guy sitting two rows behind me) and great company. Thanks to one of my friends, I talked to hot ass Bibi on the phone after the show!

While, I enjoyed the show, I did not realize how much until I saw the concert on BET and started feeling as hype as I was when I was there! Beyoncé, I might give you a hard time, but you are a hellavu performer! Brava brava! My boyfriend, Justin Timberlake did not give me the same feeling when I saw his HBO show, which is why he did not make the countdown... Sorry JT!

4. Atlanta Opera's Turandot (10/07/2007 at Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre)

Speaking of Brava, some of you might not know that I adore opera... It touches my soul... This is my second year subscribing to the Atlanta Opera. This year, they made a controversial move from downtown to evil Cobb County and their new facility. I am not happy with the move, nor am I that happy with the Centre. However, the opera still has "it going on!" The performance was beautiful and the sets were AMAZING! If the move, meant that I could receive that calibre of a production, then I guess I will have to deal with it!

3. A Memory, a Monologue, a Rant and a Prayer: Writings to End Violence Against Women and Girls (09/26/2007 at Opera)

While this was not a concert, this event was touching, funny, soul-stirring and beautiful. This was a reading of Eve Ensler's, of Vagina Monologue fame, new book. Local celebrities gathered to read essays by men and women about the pain and frustration they had experienced as an abused woman, an abuser of women or a bystander, just as they had done for the annual Vagina Monologue event. The book is a must have for every man and woman....

To top it all off, I met Kenny Leon and Eve Ensler!

2. M.I.A. (10/31/2007 at Centre Stage)

This girl is so so so crunk, beyond words! She defines cool... I love anyone who can rock their own style and not give a fuck what anyone thinks and M.I.A. does that! I was turned on her by my BFF (not to be confused with my Liebling) and once I heard that she was doing a show in Atlanta...on Halloween, I knew we had to be there! Somehow, we got the hook up from one of the security guards that she was going to bring about 20 people onstage to dance with her. And, we were two of them! Amazing!

My Number 1 Concert of 2007 is....

Babyface with Special Guest AYO. (10/07/2007 at Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre)

So, I LOVE AYO. (pronounced ah-you)! She is one of the four artist that I could listen to for the rest of my life, if I could only listen to four.... She is from Europe and when I stumbled upon her music, her CD had not yet been released in the US so, I had to order the international version from Amazon. I said, if she ever releases her CD in the States, I must buy another copy and if she comes to tour anywhere in the States, I will be there.... Well, her CD was released and I bought another copy and I found out that she was coming to Atlanta, opening for Babyface, I bought tickets the morning sales opened! With the best seats, I have ever had to see a major recording artist (5th row), I was set to see my AYO. I impressed everyone around me with knowing all the words to this unknown artist's songs. As one of my friends told me, they are all going to think that you are her best friend and that is why you know her music.... :-D And her show was amazing...she did not perform my favorite song, Letter by Letter, but she did perform her hits (at least on the European charts). So, I being all hyped after seeing her, and fulfilling my dream of seeing all of my favorite musicians perform live, I was set for a decent Babyface show.

I consider myself to be a Babyface fan. The man writes and sings great music... He was on tour to promote his new CD, which I did not have so, I was not too excited about his part of the show. Well, I know now that I should have been! For starters, his new CD is a bunch of covers so, I knew most of the songs on it already. Second, he only performed three songs from the new CD. What did he perform? All of his hits! All of the hits, he wrote for other people, well most of them.... I had the best time ever! He is so funny, charming and wonderful... Everytime I hear one of the songs on the radio, I think back to that night... And being on the 5th row, when I stood up to dance and sing, he saw me. Yep, Babyface and I made eye contact! :-D

2007 Year in Review: TV

It's time once again for my Year in Review. Unlike last year, where I had to think back to what I liked, I have been preparing my mental list all year long... So, let's go!

We are starting off with television...

5. Kid Nation

So, the critics were all over this show when it first premiered...and not in a good way! They complained that it was exploitation of minors and should not be aired. Sponsors were pulling out, for fear of being associated with the complaints. I had already planned on watching the show, but after this I was DEFINITELY going to watch it. I am very glad I did. It provided interesting viewing. The kids were forced to experience things outside of their comfort zone (including their families). A chance for some of them to really grow up. I say some, because of Taylor, the 10 year old beauty queen from Georgia who had to be bribed to work, hated to read and was the worst participant in the show.

4. Let's Make a Deal

I know, this is not a current/new show! Some of you might not even know that it is on telelvision...but it is! The Game Show Network (GSN) airs almost 20 episodes of this famous game of chance. Why do I love this show?

Monty Hall

Datsuns are considered to be a BIG prize

Wacky costumes

It's just pure comedy!

3. The Office

The Writer's Strike has be bummed because I am going through withdrawal from one of the funniest shows in television history! The characters, thanks to the fabulous writers, are so well drawn. They are all three dimensional, with fantasic and extremely quirky storylines! How else would we feel such sympathy for the lost of Sprinkles?!?!

2. Dexter

The first repeat show from last year... Why? Dexter had me scared to watch! I cannot recall the last time I was scared to watch a television show... And not because of what Dexter might do, but what they might do to Dexter. In the end, it all worked out.... Or, did it?!?!

My Top TV Show of 2007 is....

LOST

If you're not watching this show by now, I really don't know what's wrong with you! Why is this show so great? Because of everything! When the writers bring in characters who the fans don't like, they are killed off. When the storyline needs to move into a certain direction, even for the sake of a favorite character, they are dealt with accordingly. When the fans think they might have it all figured out, the writers pull some new stuff....like a flashforward! Unbelievable... I'm counting the days until Season 4 begins...

Am I Not Good Enough?

Am I not good enough for you to answer my messages?
Am I not good enough for you to return my calls?
Am I not good enough for you to care about?
Am I not good enough for you to want to get better?
Am I not good enough for you?

Respect for the Vegetarians...Please!?!?

I'm a vegetarian. I'm anal. I'm a germaphobe. I'm conscious of what I consume. I'm conscious of how I consume. Why can't I expect people to respect me?

So today, I had an encounter with my boss. He eats almost everything with only one dietary restriction. Today for lunch, he made a ham sandwich. I walk into the kitchen/copy printer area and see him rinse off a knife and place it in our utensil storage drawer. I was so freaked out that I had to do something I try to avoid at all cost....I confronted him. I asked him, what he used the knife for? He said, to cut his sandwich. I asked, did he wash it off before he put it in the drawer? He said, he rinsed it off with hot water. I reminded him, I do not consume animals and that in the future he should use soap. He said, he will try to remember that and that I should consider bringing in my own knife. I said, thank you, I will. Does he not realize that he is still contaminating the other dishes?

And, that's one reason why vegetarians have beef (pun-intended) with non-vegetarians...

Just Make It Stop...

Everything seems unbearable.
I am completely overwhelmed.
I do not want to/cannot deal.
Please make it all stop, I beg of you.

Tomorrow will be better, yes?

It's Time

Tomorrow, I go home. I could not be more ready to depart as I am right now. As beautiful as Phoenix is, as wonderful as the sun is, I want to go back to Atlanta. I want to go back home...

I miss my liebling.
I miss my sunshine.
I miss my family.

I have a busy week ahead...time with new friends and time with old....

Just time to be....

Divine Intervention

Sooooooooooooo, it is all over! The meeting ended yesterday and I finished packing up and shipping out items from my onsite office today. Now, I get to enjoy Phoenix until I leave on Tuesday.

Today was a fun and awakening day...

I woke up and saw Joel Osteen on television. He was talking about how everything that happens to you is not a coincidence but is all apart of God's plan for you. And, when you want something you have to put it out there, believe and it will happen. Interesting...

After Joel, I was flipping channels and came across one of my favorite documentaries...My Date with Drew. It helped jump start me in the right direction, since I was feeling all sensitive and mopey....

Then, I went to Barnes & Noble. I came across this book, I have been eyeing for a while, How to Love Me. So, I figured that since I have seen it twice then it must be fate intervening and time for me to buy it. So, I did.

After B&N, I was hungry so I walked over to PF Chang's. I bought some fried rice. As I was eating the rice, I opened my fortune cookies...they gave me two! :-D Well, the fortunes said,
Cookie 1: Romance is just around the corner.
Cookie 2: Your sensitivity is an asset.

How funny is all of that?!?!?! Everything is interrelated, or at least appearing to be. Like the stars are aligning themselves to bring good things into my life....

Hmmm.....

P.S. Another piece to the puzzle, Joel's appearing on 60 Minutes tonight.... It's just one of those, everywhere I go there you are type of days....

absence explained

nothing belongs to me. i am living in a world where none of my actions are generated by my enjoyment, but by the necessity of others. this life has affected almost all of my social relationships and this makes me very unhappy.

so if i have not called/texted you or returned your calls/text messages or i have stood you up or cancelled our plans in the past six weeks, please know that is not because i have not been thinking of you or wanted to spend time with you. it is seriously that my time has not been my own. and i believe you deserve more of the hi/silence/bye that i would give. but, the way things are going in my life, i am not sure when they will be back to normal. please do not give up on me. i love and miss you... (you know who you are)

i am glad she is not my lover!

everyone wants a lover. i do. i am sure you do. i am just glad she is not my lover. i am also glad that she is not my lover either. or her. or her. or her. they are all great women in their own right, but i'm really grateful they are not my lovers.

when things ended between all of them, i admit, i cried. i moped around, having a pity party. i really missed them. their companship. their sex. their friendship. their "love".

then something happened. something opened my eyes and i realized they saying no to me was a blessing in disguise.

so to the lovers that are no more, thank you and i am glad that you are not apart of me.

thoughts of two

she thinks i'm pretty
i think she's intriguing
i'm possibly maybe interested in knowing more....

she thinks i'm hot
i think she's full of it
i'm possibly maybe not so sure what i want out of this...

she thinks i'm amazing
i think she's wonderful
i'm possibly maybe definitely wanting all of her...

she thinks i'm invisible
i think she's soul stirring
i'm possibly maybe going to try a bit more....or not....

Everything...

Everything seems endless...
The unknowing
The pain
The stress
The tears

Everything seems unbearable...
The nurturing
The uncertainty
The discomfort
The life

Everything seems...
Exactly like what it is...

When will it stop being?

LeLe & Sunshine

I had a dream where everyone was telling you, you loved me.
I had a dream you told me, you loved me.
I want you.
I cannot have you.
I will continue to dream.

The Convergence of the Skies?

A friend told me this story... I thought it was beautiful, and somewhat appropriate so, I wanted to repost for everyone to experience....

Night skies open up to a random breeze, that bring a new, but familiar life to the evening. The random breeze entices, caresses and envelops the night, as if, it were the only one that ever existed. The random breeze begins to dance away leaving the night sky confused and wanting more.

Day skies attract random breezes, that always bring a promise of soul warming heat. The random breezes play, intensify and even stir up to powerful winds of emotion. The day sky becomes torn and exhausted by the play exemplified by the random breezes.

Unsure of what to do, the night sky seeks the warmth of the day and the day sky seeks the stability of the night, for answers and guidance. The day sky tells the night sky with her standard answer, ignore the random breezes. The night sky advises the day to be careful and selective of the random breezes she entertains...

Despite being opposites, the two skies are the same. Both are the only ones, who truly understand the other and see all of their beauty. While everyone is aware of the exterior beauty of the day, the night is aware of her interior. While no one is aware of the exterior beauty of the night, therefore the interior, the day is aware of both.

The two skies share a deep, undeniable love and understanding for one another, as if they share the same core.

This love has on occasion left one of the skies wondering, what if the breezes were ignored? What if the two skies converged and became one? What would happen to universe? What would happen to them? What would happen to their love? What would happen to their understanding? What would happen to their core? What would happen if they truly tried?

Last Night

Last night, I was tired and restless so, I decided to stay in. I was invited out by a couple of people, but needed some time for me, some time to think.

As I always am with my restless mind and a little bit of time to myself, I start to rapidly sort out issues and answer my questions. Here's what I resolved last night....

1. M just wants to fuck me!
2. J really wants me to herself. She wants me to be happy, but I think she adores having me to herself.
3. I keep running from one problem to the other, but am really just running in circles.
4. If I close my eyes tight enough, I feel tears running down my wrists.

leo signals

you walk into the store. you do not see me. i do not see you. you call me and ask where. i say in the front of the store, on the left. you ask, near the cookbooks. yes, i reply. you walk towards me. you look beautiful…you’re wearing yellow. for the first time in my life, i am thinking the color is beautiful… we hug hello, but no kisses because we are not dating. you tell me i smell good. we stroll the aisles, playfully rubbing against one another. you play in my hair. i tell you to stop because you know that drives me crazy. you do not listen. i try to kiss you, you request i stay in “my dance space.” i am mad, and a little tickled, that you are using my words against me. i whisper in your ear that i want you…. you smile…. you ask me what i have eaten that day. i say hardly anything. you want to go for pizza and salad.

i drive to dinner confused.

we select our seats. you try to read me. we eat. you try to read me. i am feeling a little exposed. you might be getting inside of me. i try to block it. you continue to read me. you play with my hands. you ask me how i like to orgasm. i ask you what’s the difference between dating and hanging out between two people who are attracted to one another. you say you have to think about that one. you continue to read me. i am trying to block it. i tell you that i think you are scared of me. you laugh… you then say come on, let’s go to your place. you then tell me we’re buddies so, no trying anything. i remind you that i am celibate until i come back from europe. you tell me you are celibate until you come back from europe.

i drive to your place confused.

i stretch out on your floor, stomach down. my naked back is exposed. just your promise separates me from my commitment to celibacy. you position yourself on top of me, straddling my hips. you get comfortable on my ample cushion. i am beginning to feel aroused…. you perform your services. i moan with pleasure. you warn me about the erotic sounds. i explain that i cannot help it. i do not let you know that i cannot because i am envisioning the intimacy we could share. i am now extremely aroused. i do not want this to end…but it has to eventually. when it does, you get up and move to the other side of the room. i nap for a bit, surrounded by the glow of the experience. i then dress and walk to the door. you walk me out, hug me goodbye and ask me to call you when i get home.

i drive home confused.

halfway home, you call me. we talk having the conversation which has become quite familiar over the past week. you tell me you wanted to look at me, touch me, feel me. i ask you why you didn’t. i admit that i am celibate, but i have not set any boundaries, depends on the person. you tell me boundaries are foreplay. i let you know this sucks but appreciate your honesty and that i do not trust you, as a person. i do not know but i just do not feel that i can. you say you understand. i tell you i don’t like your mixed signals. you apologize. you tell me i give them too. i do not know what you mean and ask you to explain. you cannot give any examples, but say i know what i do. you let me know that you cannot wait to do my astrology reading so you can learn the basics of my personality and just learn about me. you then tell me good night.

i go to bed confused.

Being Selfish: Love Just for Me

I want a love of my own, just for me. I do not want to share or be considered second, third OR even fourth place. I want the eyes that watch me as I sleep, the mouth that gently loves me and the hand that interlaces with mine to all belong to the heart that only beats my name…

Every woman, I have loved, been involved with OR dated, has had someone else who they have deep down OR even out front, adored. There has always been that other lover, whose name they think of in their first and last thoughts of the day. All the while, I am thinking theirs… There has always been a third party in my relationship, an unspoken force, with which, we have had to deal. I am tired of it.

I am incredible woman with an enormous amount of love to give. Yet, I keep attracting those that cannot give me the same. I am 29 years old and have never had anyone be in love with me and this is why. I am not seeking OR even settling for those that are not able to love me completely. It is just revealed later on in our relationship, that there is someone else who she loves, which causes them not to love me….

I want a love of my own, just for me…..

The Only Thing I'm Sure of is Stress & Pain

I am really not sure what I want this to be. Scratch that.... I do know what I want this to be, I am just not sure if that is in the plans for me, and if so, the required time period for all of this to be realized.

On top of that, all of this is making me extremely tired and I nap very hard, but wake up an hour or so later, wide awake. I just want to sleep through the night. Now, I am drowsy, restless and in pain. My back aches so much....

The stress made Sunday so great... I got to see my Anitra and I did karaoke, which I have never done, but ALWAYS wanted to do.... Other things also made it nice...

My Monday brought me back to reality.... I really feel like I cannot deal with it all. 4 is such a high number.....

coping mechanism

i simply want all of this to go away. i cannot deal. i do not want to deal. i am going on hiatus.....

For You...

I am so happy to have you in my life and feel fortunate that you allow me in yours! You are always willing to offer a shoulder on which to cry or an ear to listen. When I am around you, I am allowed to be me. I do not have to put up any fronts, act like who I am not, edit my thoughts...I can just be all that I am. With you, I feel secure and just happy.

Thank you for everything and I love you ,
~Ashley Joy~

My Birthday Weekend...2007

Overall, my birthday was a blast...more on why in a later blog...
I do have some super photos to hold you over...

Reflecting on My 29th Year

My 29th year of living will be over in less than 30 minutes. As I begin this 30th year of living, I have a lot on which to reflect and remember...
This was the year, I met two incredibly remarkable women, who have forever changed how I see myself and interact with others!
This was the year, I faced my fears and let out all that was inside. One has turned out for the good. One is left to be seen...
This was the year, I experienced a lot of loss... At times, it felt like a little too much... They say, God does not close one door without opening another.
This was the year, my mom got sick and is currently in the hospital for the first time in 29 years.
This was the year, I saw the truth in people and realized I should listen more to my instincts.
This was the year, I took that true family vacation and created memories and stories that will last a lifetime.
This was the year, I said "see you later" to one of my best friends, as she started a new chapter in her life.
This was the year, I finally enabled one of my dreams to come true. In just 135 days, I will be in Europe.
This was the year, I discovered little pieces of God's glorious work, courtesy of Wyoming and the Grand Canyon.

What will next year be? MY VISION and the endless possibilities...

Love of an Aquarius

Your True Love Is an Aquarius

Why you'll love an Aquarius: Independent yet devoted, you'll appreciate the unique approach to love Aquarius takes. You both see love as a bit of a game, and Aquarius will challenge you until you're completely hooked. Why an Aquarius will love you: You're secure enough to give Aquarius tons of space - even if it means separate interests and friends. You have the brains to keep Aquarius engaged and curious. And the passion to change the world together!

What Sign Is Your True Love?

High + Alone = Anger Management

I've been hibernating for a few days. Not holed up in a room, hibernating, but from people.... I've been feeling really angry and have just not been in the mood to deal with the bullshit that people bring! I've also been resting so, maybe that would be considered to be holed up in a room. I don't know, but the sleep has been great!

Well when, I wasn't sleeping, I have enjoyed the High Museum. I saw their Lourve Atlanta and Annie Leibovitz exhibits, among others... I adored every bit of it. It was nice getting out and just being with me....

I have spent sometime thinking and sorting out my anger... Now that I've calmed down, I have reconnected with my girls! I love them so so much!

So, what's next for me... I really need a hair cut....

What Made Me Smile Today...

So, I've been feeling crappy, but this made me smile today....  Especially since, I'm seeing her on Saturday...

Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack

That's what my life has been lately... Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack!

YOU:
Ashley Joy, what makes it Wacky McWack Wack Wack Wack?

ME:
1. I was supposed to go with a girl to the Doria Roberts' Birthday Show on 08/25. It was not going to be a date, because she has a girlfriend. It was just two friends going to a great show! Well, I want to get a table for the show. Tables seat and are priced equivalent to four (4) individual tickets. I let her know that I want a table and I am going to invite a couple more people. Since, it is not a date, because she has a girlfriend. She tells me, have fun with my friends and that she'll go with someone else. This makes no sense at all. So for me to go with her and to get a table, I will have to waste $30. WACK for the money and WACK for tripping out on me!
Sidenote: Girl, who is tripping, I know you read my blog and yes, I do not care that I am calling you out because what you did was WACK!
2. Girls who I used to date are trying to get at one of my friends.... I am not going to say anymore, than that right now.... BUT THIS COULD TURN INTO THE LATE SUMMER/EARLY AUTUMN SCANDAL!!!! All I am telling my friend is, I told you!!! ;-) Like my favorite lesbian joke says, "what do you call a group of lesbians hanging out? Ex-girlfriends."

I am the Princess of Power!

Maybe there is some truth to this Vision Board thing, because ever since I created mine on Sunday, things have been great! Sure, I have been hit with some low blows, but I am okay. I have been blushing, smiling, glowing constantly. I radiate happiness!

I could also be me exercising, you know the endorphins. So maybe, there is truth to that too! Yesterday, my sister and I went walking up Stone Mountain. It was nice... We talked about our situations, all while joking and laughing like we always do! I love her so much!!!!

Maybe, it's my friends supporting me and telling me everything is for the best! I love them too! I am so grateful to have them believing in me....

So now, it's back to work, until another blog hits my brain....

Keep it positive everyone and make it a SUPER Tuesday,
~Ashley Joy~, but maybe you should call me She-Ra

Talk to Me

You lean into me, resting your head on my shoulder. I reach around and rub your hair. You're tired, it's been a long day. Still, I ask, are you okay? You tell me you're fine and then you sigh one of those sighs that you do when something isn't so right. I ask you to open up, tell me. You raise your head and look at me with an expression I can't read, yet know something is not right. I'm frustrated by you.... Why won't you open up to me?

I lean into you, resting my head on your shoulder. You reach around and rub my hair. I'm tired, it's been a long day. Still, you ask, am I okay? I tell you I'm fine and sigh one of my sighs that I do when something isn't so right. You ask me to open up, tell you. I raise my head and look at you with an expression that you can't read, but is revealing all of my truth, yet you know something is not right. You're frustrated by me..... You want me to open up to you.

We talk all the time, but you never share anything. You give me advice on how to deal with my issues, but you never say anything to me about your problems. I share with you so many of my insecurities, but you only hint at what's bothering you. And, your hints are hard to decifer. Are you afraid that I'm not going to be there to listen, to support you? People, your friends, care about you. We are here, so please talk.

It's difficult for me to talk, when what's concerning me is you. I like you, I'm crazy about you. You're beautiful, but the like is unrequited so, "I keep it to myself." How can I share with you my relationship problems when the problem is I want my friend? You make me nervous, giddy, anxious. You make me feel like a girl....

I lean my head on your shoulder and wrap my arms around you. I tell you to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... You open your mouth and begin to talk.....

You lean your head on my shoulder and wrap your arms around me. You tell me to take your time and just talk it out. I care about you.... I open my mouth and begin to talk.....

We're shocked. We can't deal with it. We don't want to confront the situation so, we avoid one another. We wonder where things went wrong. Will things ever be back to how wonderful they were?

Will and why can't I stop being attracted to her?

Will and why can't she stop being attracted to me?

Getting Rid of the Jealousy

Your emotions are taking a backseat to cold logic right now, which is helping
you make a levelheaded conclusion about someone whose actions have been
confusing you lately. There's a fresh, clean energy inside of you that will
enable you to cut through the games and see things as they truly are. It's an
excellent day for important deliberation. If there is a big decision you've been
toying with, today is a great time to sit down and go over the pros and cons.

Virgo Horoscope for August 6, 2007 by Astrology.com

After what I have been going through, I was scared shitless by today’s reading. I have been very confused lately and definitely need to cut through the games. So, I will attempt to ask the question that needs to be asked….. Me being me, I am very nervous. What if the answer is something I really do not want to hear? Then again, what if it is something that I really do want to hear? This is just a chance I am going to take. This will not be another Renée!

By the way, I did go running and it was fabulous! I received some clarity, discovered something about myself that is absolutely hilarious and stirred the creative juices so I could start (and complete) my Vision Board.

This is about to be the big time!!

What I Do Not Want in Me

It is not that I do not believe in jealousy, but I try not to embody it. And, as hard as I try not to embody it, sometimes I am. I guess it is okay that sometimes I am, because then I become more aware of how or who I do not want to be.

Right now, I am jealous....

Right now, I do not want to be....

Right now, I am going to seperate myself from the situation so, I will no longer feel jealous....

I need to go running...

Yesterday was My Gayest Day Ever

Sooooooooooo......
Yesterday, after work, I had some errands to run. Go to Target to return a box. Go to Wal-Mart to return some headbands....I need headbands with grip combs and these didn't have them. Go to UPS to drop off a package. Then to Publix to order a birthday cake (she does not read my blog so, it does not matter that I am writing this...lol). Well, I was in Target and all of a sudden, I felt like I had been hit with the "she's gay!" spotlight.... I had gone the whole day and not felt anything unusual or odd or different. I looked down at myself and what I was wearing and felt like people were shopping next to the "dykiest" girl in the entire store. I mean, all I had on was my:
green HRC t-shirt, with the big logo on the back
jeans
silver ring
pink Chuck Taylor's
scarf to protect and cover my freshly-done two strand twist
SIDE NOTE on the HAIR: It is truly going to look so dope when I take it down on Saturday! :-D

So, what about what I was wearing made me think I looked gayer, than gay? Was it the HRC shirt, the silver ring, the Chuck's, the scarf? Ask my sister and she will say, ALL OF THE ABOVE! She swears that all lesbians wear silver rings, Chuck's, have natural hair, etc. When I go out with my friends, yes, I do notice that almost all of us have natural hair, be it in a fro or locs. We also could, if combed our entire jewelry collection, supply a small nation with a year's supply of silver. And so, yes a handful of us, wear Chuck's. Those are just stereotypes, that for which almost all of my friends could affirm positive. I do not know....

What lesbian stereotype do you find to be true? False?

At Night I Can't Sleep, I Toss and Turn

Candle sticks in the dark, visions of bodies being burned
Four walls just staring at a nigga

Well, it wasn't that extreme, but I was up for 3.5 hours last night...tossing and turning and turning and tossing. I finally decide to read some of my Harry Potter and that put me to sleep in no time! Not that the book is boring, but it was late and the drowsiness finally kicked in...

Anyhow, what was keeping me awake? Life was keeping me awake. Decisions to make, changes that are occuring, things to do... Not that the decisions, changes and things are bad. Most of them are good! Just the thought of them has been disturbing my sleep.

I did come to realize that:
I love my friends.
I can do better.
I think they are absolutely beautiful...I blush when I think of them.
I am extremely excited about everything that is happening over the next six (6) weeks.
I really need someone to go to Vegas with me.....

All of This is Nothing But Wasted Time

I could not have said it better myself...
When will Virgos STOP feeling this pain, loving this love....

Wasted Time
Me'Shell Ndegéocello

You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me

Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I

In my fantasy you are asleep beside me
I feel you breathe
If only I could be there for you
The one that you make love to

Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I

You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me

Growing Balls

I despise confrontation, even when it could lead to a very good outcome. I just cannot deal with scaring or hurting anyone or having someone tell me no… Lately, I have been like, “I don’t give a damn. I’m doing this shit!”

I got up the courage to ask an old friend, why she and I did not work out. I was very fearful of how she was going to respond. It turned out to be okay. And, things are great between us…

I was finally able to gather the nerves and ask a friend of her intentions with me. While, I did not get a direct answer, I did receive enough of one to make me even more curious of how I fit into her life.

I have decided to write the letter that I have needed to write for the past 10 months.

What else is in store for me? From where, did these balls come?

A Letter to Her...

My dearest JATD,

You are beautiful, but you know this. I, and almost all of your friends, have told you so many times before. Everyone thinks of you as being incredibly sexy… From your phone operator voice, which drives me insane….I always save your voicemail messages, to your overall style, you are amazing! I love the time we spend together…. I just wish I did not think of you the way that I do. Most people love having crushes, but I do not love, nor like, having one on you. We are friends and that is all it can be. You are going through your thing and I need to be concentrating on taking care of my life. Plus, you do not even like me like that. I think, but probably so… It just seems weird when I hear stories of you watching me move and how I always feel nervous when we say goodbye. It was like that at first, then for a while, it was strictly friends… Then, the last couple of times, I do not know. Maybe, you were making me feel weird because of the alcohol you had been drinking. Maybe, you were thinking of someone else and projecting onto me. Yes, that is definitely, what it was. You did not really want me; you wanted her. Well, thank you for making me feel desired during those few minutes of us saying goodbye…. Next time, it shall go back to the way it was before, you and me being friends, confidants. I am going to wake up from the crazy fantasy!

~Ashley Joy~

Focus, Ashley Joy, focus!

I need to face reality and stop acting out of fear. I have hopes, dreams and aspirations. The only way they will ever become reality is for me to focus. I have the means to make everything come true. I just need to do it and make sacrifices. I just need to understand what is most important.

Creeva's World 2.0: Grand Central Invitations Available

Creeva's World 2.0: Grand Central Invitations Available

Want to See Beyonce in Concert?

For the past few summers, I have invited someone, with whom I felt has gone out of their way to show me the true meaning of friendship, to join me at a summer concert. I never told anyone, that they were being considered or why they were selected, it was just something kind that I wanted to do.

This year, I am taking a break…somewhat! I have an extra ticket to see Beyoncé and Robin Thicke in concert on Friday, July 20 at Philips Arena. It is a great seat! If you are interested (and available) in spending time with me, Beyoncé and Robin, leave a comment below by Tuesday, July 17. I will select someone from the respondents on Wednesday, July 18.

Good luck!

The Last Night

The dark sky is cloudy
Full of overcast
No stars
Barely a glimpse of the moon
Nothing beautiful about it
The air is so thick
So cold
Feels like the last night ever
No one wants to be a part
Of this element
This dark sky which displays no love
No hope
No wanting of life
No desire to provide comfort
To anyone
This dark sky just wants to be

What Was New Was Old Is Now New

The Friday of Pride, I MySpaced message this girl who I used to date. She had been on my mind for a few weeks, but due to the circumstances of our dissolvement, I was not sure how to approach her. So, I left a short and sweet message, just saying hi and that we needed to talk.

The next day at Pride, I run into her at Piedmont Park. We chat a bit and exchange numbers... It was really good to see her for she is very pretty! Over the next few days, we exchange text messages and e-mails. Then, we invite each other to Screen on the Green. Do not start thinking it was a date because we were both meeting other people there. Then....Screen on the Green was cancelled...due to thunderstorms! So, we went to hang out with a couple of her friends (who I also know, but have not seen since we stopped hanging out together) and dance a bit at a club and do dinner at R. Thomas. It was a very nice evening! Good company, good food, good music!

We continue to text and e-mail and it is all quite enjoyable. She invited me to go see Transformers yesterday with her friends and family. Again, it was nice spending time with her.

Our conversations have picked up from where we left. And, it feels weird and comfortable at the same time. It mainly feels weird that it feels comfortable. We have been estranged for almost three times as long as we her in communication. So,75% of the time we have known of each other, we have not spoken. To now, communicate with her, it is just...different. Another item of consideration is we have yet to talk about why and what exactly went wrong between us. So.... time will tell....

Top 6 Reasons Why Pride Was So Wonderful

1. Got out and was "with" the community
2. Educated people on the joys of HRC and why the Employment Non-Discrimination Act is so important
3. Met some cool new people
4. Reintroduced to some people from my past
5. Experienced the fun and scary sites of the naked people....most of whom should not have been naked
6. Allowed me to reinforce my tan

I cannot wait until 2008! :-D

What Does Pride Mean to Me?

So, it is Pride Weekend in Atlanta…. And, I am super excited! I have been out for almost 10 years and this is my first Pride! I have been in town for every Pride, but I have never participated in any of the activities. I have never ventured ITP to hang out at the Park, dine at an outdoor patio as I watch the girls go by or even go to a club to dance until I cannot move anymore. I have just stayed at home and pretty much tried my best to hide who I really was.
Then something happened…. This year, something inside of me changed. I have developed this confidence, this acceptance, this "pride"; I guess you can say, for being gay, a lesbian, a homosexual, a woman who is a lover of women and only women.
Before this year, I never would have had the confidence to put any sort of sticker on my car, endorsing my acceptance of homosexuality and "their"/my rights. Now, I PROUDLY display my HRC sticker on my Jackie.
Before this year, I would have never volunteered and possibly listed my name and address on the roster of a group that promotes the acceptance of homosexuality and rights for all people. Now, I regularly volunteer with the HRC and am a member of their Atlanta Federal Club. I am also on the discussion group for the Atlanta Stonewall Democrats.
What changed inside me? I think it is because of before this year, I never educated myself to learn what it means to be truly different, to take that difference and turn it into a way to help others. To be proud that you are different, to display to others how proud you are to be different and to let them know it is okay for them to be proud to be different too…
So, what does Pride mean to me? It means for to get out there and educate the community, the hetero, homo, bi and transgender and the black, white, Asian and multi; on the importance of being not like everyone else and to accept them for who and what they are…. To me, it is not about partying, drinking, smoking and hooking up (even though I do enjoy three out of those four); it is about being a positive role model of a black lesbian.
So, I will be out this weekend...at the Park, working with the HRC, dining at outdoor patios and of course, watching the girls go by…. If you see me, stop and wish me a Happy Pride, for I will truly be happy and have a lot of which to be proud!